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Old 04-10-2017   #121
Bill Clark
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Stay away from negative people.

They have a problem for every solution.
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Old 04-11-2017   #122
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Q: If you make a regular screwdriver with vodka and OJ, how do you make a philips screwdriver?


A: Vodka and Milk of Magnesia.
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Old 04-14-2017   #123
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SOME WORDS OF ADVICE..
1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
4. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
13. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
14. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
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Old 04-16-2017   #124
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At a Hebrew day school, the instructor noticed that little Irving was daydreaming and looking off into space as a lesson on the Christian Easter was given.

"Irving, would you please come to the front and explain what Christians believe about Easter?"

Irving reluctantly stepped to the front of the classroom.

"Well, it's like this.

Jesus was sent to court and sentenced to death.

On Good Friday he was executed.

Two days later he woke up.

Got up, went outside.

Then he saw his shadow and went back inside and they had more winter."
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Old 04-16-2017   #125
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BASTILLE DAY JOKE:

As the dawn rose on Thermidore, Madame La Farge clocked in the morning’s first client, the King’s Sous Chef. “Yes,” said he, “I am a Royalist, and its true that I introduced tiny portions at outrageous prices... but I demand the dignity of meeting the blade on my back to see the sky just one last time.”

With a shrug from Madame, his wish was granted. The rope was pulled… and nothing happened.

“An act of God!” cried the crowd. “Set him free!”

Next was the King’s accountant. “Yes,” said he, “I am a Royalist, and its true that I created la Forme 1040. But I think I’ll go for that sky option too.”

After a moment’s hesitation from Madame, his wish was granted. The rope was pulled… and nothing happened.

“An act of God!” cried the crowd. “Set him free!”

Third was the King’s engineer, the famed architect of Versailles, genius of the astrolabe, crafter of fountains, and a beta version of some ‘calculating machine.’ “Sky Class for me too, if you don’t mind.”

With deeply furrowed brow, Madame nodded her assent. The engineer, resting his neck on the block gazed up at the sky, and at the top of the guillotine where the release latch hung.

“Hey, I think I can see exactly what your problem is here...”
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Old 04-17-2017   #126
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What's blue and white? A fridge with a denim jacket.


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Old 04-17-2017   #127
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A wise old man was telling his grandson that he should always think hard about everything he was told. "For example," he said, "Here's a riddle. What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles"

The boy looks puzzled, so the old man says, "A kipper."

"But a kipper isn't green!"

-- "It is if you paint it."

"And it doesn't hang on the wall!"

-- "It does if you nail it there."

"But it doesn't whistle!"

The old man shrugged. "So I lied about the whistling..."

For some reason I always think of this as a political joke.

Cheers,

R.
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Old 04-18-2017   #128
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Two relatively new {fill in appropriate socio-ethnic or hair color group here} airline pilots were attempting a landing in very stormy weather at an unfamiliar airport.

After circling for an hour or so, the weather let up just enough so they could try a landing.

Okay, we're going in!
Roger
Airspeed?
Check!
Flaps?
Check!
Landing lights?
Check!
Glide slope?
Check!

The plane descended through the clouds and finally screeched to a halt just inches from the end of the runway pavement.

"Wow, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"Yeah, gotta be the widest one too!"
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Old 04-18-2017   #129
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Larry: I stayed up last night to see if I snored! And I didn't!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG_2760.jpg (36.2 KB, 23 views)
File Type: jpg IMG_2761.jpg (21.4 KB, 17 views)
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Old 04-18-2017   #130
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Melania takes Baron and Tiffany shopping.

They approach the check-out clerk.

Melania: Vell, vot do you tink?
Baron: Cool, mom, I like it.
Tiffany: This is a great place to shop!

Melania: {to clerk} Ve'll buy the schtorr.
Clerk: Certainly ma'am, {tap-tap-click-click} that will be $4,736,348.04. Will that be cash, check, or charge?
Tiffany: Wait! I have a 5% off coupon.
Clerk: In that case {tap-tap, click-click} that will be $4,499,530.64.
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Old 04-21-2017   #131
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A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a laugh; "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
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Old 04-21-2017   #132
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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....But all men...Are men!
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Old 04-21-2017   #133
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It's hot, hot in Florida!

Have a great weekend!
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Old 04-22-2017   #134
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Hey,Blumoon. What's with the picking on Cork?
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Another Irish one
Old 04-22-2017   #135
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Another Irish one

Quote:
Originally Posted by blumoon View Post
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....But all men...Are men!
A Texan walks into a pub in Cork and says, "I hear you Irishmen are big drinkers? I'll bet there ain't one of you that can drink 15 pints of Guinness in 15 minutes and I have 5000 euros to bet to prove it. You have 30 minutes to prove me wrong boys."

A slight man quietly sneaks out of the bar. He hurriedly returned with 15 minutes on the clock and says, "You're on lad!"

With two seconds to spare the man finishes the last pint. The Texan walks over to him and hands him the money but asks the man where he went for 15 minutes when the bet was first made?

The man says to him, " 5000 euros is a pile of money to me so I snuck out to the pub across the street to prove to meself it could be done."

Regards,

Tim Murphy

Harrisburg, PA
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Old 04-23-2017   #136
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What's the second most photographed american city, after New York?
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Lol
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Old 04-23-2017   #137
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A husband and wife are arguing, and as her anger peaks she says "you only hear what you want to hear". At this point he is tired of fighting and was not really listening, and he responds "sure, I'll have a beer."
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Old 04-24-2017   #138
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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amy Fisher.
Amy Fisher who?
***BANG!***

(Google it if you don't get it.)
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Old 05-12-2017   #139
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Musician Jokes

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds it and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. 1 to screw it in, 2000 to record the event and take pictures
of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How do you make a musician stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What is an example of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
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Old 05-13-2017   #140
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You guys, I had the best ever joke to tell about Jonestown...

...but the punchline was too long.
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Old 05-13-2017   #141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maggieo View Post
You guys, I had the best ever joke to tell about Jonestown...

...but the punchline was too long.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie....
took me half a beat to catch that.
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Old 05-16-2017   #142
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."
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Old 05-16-2017   #143
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A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
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Old 05-16-2017   #144
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60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years
being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes? or did she say No?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
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Old 05-16-2017   #145
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pagpow View Post
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie....
took me half a beat to catch that.
I'm here all week folks!

Remember, the 9:00 show is totally different than the 7:00! Don't bring the kids to the late one!
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Old 05-17-2017   #146
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” says the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”







Rob
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #147
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They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #148
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Since I cook quite a few meals at home, I called my wife, who was at work, asking her what she would like for dinner.

She said, "let's go out tonight and give the smoke detectors a rest!"
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #149
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #150
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Quote:
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I asked my wife and I´m allowed to laugh!
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #151
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Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "No."
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #152
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A northern couple were driving through rural Florida when they stopped at a service station to fill up. Also filling up was a local farmer who had a huge mound of something in the back of his truck.

"What's that in your truck?"
"Manure."
"Whadaya use that for?"
"We spread it on the fruit."
"Hmmm, strange, back home we use whipped cream!"
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Old 2 Weeks Ago   #153
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A young Hen was at Chicken school and She went to see the Careers advisor, and she said:

"I don't want to do the same work as all the other girls, I want to be different. I want to do something no-one would expect of me."

The Careers advisor thought for a few moments and said:

"Something no-one would expect ,eh? Hmmm, How about being a Bricklayer?"

The young Hen said:

"Feck* off! Have you seen the size of those things?"




*=The non-swear word of Irish origin, so it is still 'clean'.
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Old 1 Week Ago   #154
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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Old 6 Days Ago   #155
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There was a young lady from Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent
She followed her nose
One day I suppose
And nobody knows where she went
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Old 6 Days Ago   #156
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Stephen Wright Joke:

"I just bought a camera that's so advanced that you don't need it."
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Old 5 Days Ago   #157
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Next year's model won't need you!
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