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Old 02-15-2017   #81
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Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
A: Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Old 02-15-2017   #82
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One from real life:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6filPCtrt0c
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Old 02-15-2017   #83
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John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you dimwit! It's Tony Blair!"
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Old 02-15-2017   #84
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A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer & a mop.
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Old 02-17-2017   #85
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From a photographer friend:


Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
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Old 02-17-2017   #86
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From same friend:

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Patient: Really? What color?


--------

A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
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Old 02-17-2017   #87
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Last one today (same photographer friend!):

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar, come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, “I've already paid your colleague, who has left.”
The Scotsman is impressed, and says, "Let's try it together, this evening.”
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The Englishman just says, "I've already paid your colleague who has left.”
And the Scotsman adds, “And we are still waiting for the change!"
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Old 02-17-2017   #88
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A Latin professor walks into a bar ...

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Uh, don't you mean martini?"

"No, only one please."
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Old 02-24-2017   #89
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I heard it this way:
There was a young lady from Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day in a relative way
And arrived on the previous night.

Also:
There once was a young man from Wheeling
Who had such a sensitive feeling
When the sign on the door
Said don't spit on the floor
That he jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
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Old 02-24-2017   #90
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmr View Post
A Latin professor walks into a bar ...

"I'll have a martinus please."

"Uh, don't you mean martini?"

"No, only one please."
This is an oldie but a goodie first told I believe by Canadian jokesters Wayne and Shuster in the 1960's. As shown here in a sketch about a Roman detective investigating the murder of Julius Caesar - "Big Julie". Listen to the dialogue at 4.40, corny but I love it........................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR_5h8CzRcI


Also their take on "Star Shtick" a take off on you guessed it....................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsqaZ0Sbpow

That old time Jewish shtick never changes (and despite my comments about Big Julie, some of it never gets better either - still it raised a smile although a lot of that reaction may just be from nostalgia from memories of boyhood TV)
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Old 03-08-2017   #91
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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
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Old 03-08-2017   #92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dmr View Post
..........................
The prosecutor showed the court several photos (8x10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence ...)
.......................
Arlo Guthrie and I share a common bond, both having our military induction during Vietnam impacted by a charge of littering.

You kids can go look up and listen to "Alice's Restaurant Massacre."
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Old 03-09-2017   #93
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'Mr. .... I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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Old 03-09-2017   #94
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An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Old 03-09-2017   #95
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Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.
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Old 03-09-2017   #96
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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Old 03-15-2017   #97
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An American bank robber is vacationing in Mexico. Running short on cash he decides to rob a bank. Unfortunately, he gets caught.

The police chief doesn’t speak English, so he brings in an interpreter. He says to the interpreter: “Tell him I want to know where he hid the money.”

The interpreter tells him. The bank robber plays dumb: “Tell him I don’t know anything about any money.”

The police chief takes out his gun and points it at the robbers head and says: “Tell him if he doesn’t tell me where he hid the money, I’ll blow his brains out.”

The interpreter tells him. The robber, fearing that the chief might be serious, spills his guts: “Tell him that the money is under the trash bin behind the church in the center of town.”

The interpreter says: “My friend says he is prepared to die like a man.”
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Old 03-16-2017   #98
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One I heard the other day

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?'
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Old 03-16-2017   #99
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A handy young man name of Peter,
Tried to fix a faulty gas meter.
He first struck a light,
Blew him clear out of sight.
And as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you,
Completely ruined the meter.
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Old 03-16-2017   #100
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Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do" his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Tommy explained.
"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."



Lucky me... I live with "Grandma".
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Old 03-17-2017   #101
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An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy St. Paddy's day, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll quit me Whiskey. I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of the pub at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
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Old 03-24-2017   #102
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A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."
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Old 03-24-2017   #103
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man".
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Old 03-24-2017   #104
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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly," she said, "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit it.
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Old 03-24-2017   #105
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Now, there's this guy, proud of his brand new Porsche, standing in front of the traffic lights waiting for them to turn green, when an old grey guy on a worn out looking and noisily put-putting moped pulls up next to him.

Somewhat irritated, because who's this guy who's got the guts to put his ratty looking moped next to his shiny set of wheels, the Porsche guys decides to show mr. Moped his place in the order of things.

So, the very moment the lights turn green, he steps on the gas and immediately leaves the moped guy far behind. Within a couple of seconds and with a big smile on his face, he's reached 60 mph, and is ready to enjoy the ride..

After a while however, he notices something next to him.. it's the guy on the moped who's keeping up! What the [email protected]#, he thinks, and pushes the gas pedal further, leaving the moped guy behind again. He's now over the speed limit, but hey, a Porsche should outrun a moped anyday, shouldn't it?

This pleasure doesn't last long however, as the guy on the moped again catches up, although to be fair, it seems like he's got to work hard to do so.

Mr. Porsche is now completely annoyed, and floors the gas. The magnificent car responds instantly and the needle on the speedometer climbs and climbs, 150, 160, 170, 180, 190..200 and on until it won't go no further. Hah!, that should do it!

But by Jove!, looking over his shoulder, he sees the moped guy, grim faced and hunched over the handle bars, knuckles white from holding on to them, coming closer at insane speed, and worse even, overtaking him. Drats!

Come the next traffic lights, he catches up with the moped and asks "what the heck kind of moped is that, that it can go faster than my Porsche?"..

...

"Well, it's not that this moped is so special, it's only that my suspenders got caught on your side view mirror "
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Old 03-24-2017   #106
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.
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Old 03-29-2017   #107
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On a so-far-smooth cross-country air flight all of a sudden there was a bang and a sharp swerve. The announcement came on.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, we've lost power in our right engine. Please don't worry, we'll divert to the nearest airport and have it checked out.

A few minutes later there was another big bang.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, if you look out the left windows, you will see that we have a fire in the left engine. Don't worry, we should have enough altitude to make it to the nearest airport.

The plane goes lower and lower and people are starting to panic. All of a sudden there is a loud "whooooosh" of air and the oxygen masks drop down.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, as you see we've lost cabin pressure. Don't worry, please put on your oxygen masks and use them for the remainder of the flight.

Then a few minutes later there is another announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, if you look out the right windows you will see five dots below you. Those are parachutes, the Captain, the First Officer, and the three Flight Attendants. This is a recording!

And, thank you for flying United!
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Old 03-29-2017   #108
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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave (long)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'
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Old 03-30-2017   #109
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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Old 03-30-2017   #110
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Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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Old 03-30-2017   #111
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I think my neighbour is stalking me - she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
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Old 03-30-2017   #112
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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Old 03-30-2017   #113
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US Customs, ATF and the FBI hold a press conference to demo their new trained canines. The Customs dog sniffs out and retrieves a bit of coke that had been planted in the audience. The ATF dog sniffs out and retrieves a bit of explosive that had been planted in the audience. The FBI dog grabs the coke and explosive from the other two dogs, has intercourse with them and holds a press conference.

And that comes from thirty three years as a government agent, the last 22 for CBP.
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Old 03-31-2017   #114
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__________

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
__________
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Old 03-31-2017   #115
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We've already had one racist joke -- the Irishman and the parking space -- so insert the race of your choice in the following. In the USA the jokes about stupid people are Polish jokes; in the UK, Irish; in France, Belgian; in India, Sikh; in Tibet, Tsangpa:

A Tsangpa is given a pair of water skis and spends his next five vacations looking for a lake with a slope.

With apologies to the guy with the camera that has a wonky viewfinder (his post reminded me of the joke).

Cheers,

R.
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Old 03-31-2017   #116
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says, "Is this some sort of a joke?".

Cheers,

R.
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Old 03-31-2017   #117
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When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
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Old 04-07-2017   #118
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Q: What does the gorilla call his girlfriend?

A: His prime mate.
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Old 04-07-2017   #119
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Old 04-08-2017   #120
Doug
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“How did the merchant tell his apprentice to cheat the Indian holy man who was buying meat in the meat market?”

“Weigh down upon the Swami liver.”



“Someone mugged the egg roll vendor!”

“It was a case of wanton destruction.”



“Rudolph Karposki was a high official in the communist party. What did the weather man nervously tell his wife who was arguing with Karposki about whether or not to bring an umbrella?”

“Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!”
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