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Old 09-21-2017   #201
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.
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Old 10-04-2017   #202
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
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Old 10-07-2017   #203
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The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium & steel under a constrained environment”. I was impressed......
On further inquiry it transpired that he was washing dishes with hot water
.......under his wife’s supervision!!!!
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Old 10-17-2017   #204
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Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"



A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."



Young people have theirs. Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
1. * ATD - At the Doctor's
2. * BFF - Best Friends Funeral
3. * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
4. * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
5. * CUATDC - See You at the Day Centre
6. * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
7. * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
8. * LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
9. * TOT - Texting on Toilet
10. * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* HTH - Hope these help.
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Old 11-01-2017   #205
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: ’Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
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Old 11-01-2017   #206
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Now this is a worthy companion to the one about the treatment of your two cows under different political systems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doug View Post
Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

... Etc ...

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
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Old 11-09-2017   #207
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Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys,were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole",said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six
inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government
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Old 11-09-2017   #208
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Three priests are talking.
“I’ve tried everything,” says the first priest. “I still can’t get rid of our rats.”
“Same here!” says the second priest. “We’ve tried poison, traps, and noise. Nothing works.”
“We don’t have that problem,” says the third priest. “We baptised and confirmed them all, and now they just show up at Easter and Christmas.”
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Old 11-09-2017   #209
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Two employees are talking. One of them asks the other, "How long have you been working here?" The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."
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Old 11-24-2017   #210
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Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick.
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Old 12-15-2017   #211
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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Bill thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Bill, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Bill groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Bill grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed me a mirror.
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Old 12-17-2017   #212
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This is quite interesting. It’s about being happy:

http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/10...edium=referral
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Old 12-24-2017   #213
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Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
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Old 02-16-2018   #214
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Q: How do you spot a modern spider?
A: He doesn't have a web, he has a website!

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Old 03-16-2018   #215
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Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”
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Old 03-29-2018   #216
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"Every master was once a disaster. They only become masters of their trade and honed skills because they never stopped practising despite all the challenges, failures and roadblocks. They learned from mistakes, they got back up, they persevered." - Peng Joon
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Old 03-29-2018   #217
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Quote:
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Build a man a fire and you'll warm him for a day.
Set a man on fire and you'll warm him for the rest of his life.
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Old 03-30-2018   #218
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Q: How much fun does a priest have?
A: Nun!
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Old 03-30-2018   #219
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Confucius says: "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
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Old 03-30-2018   #220
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Q: Why did the hipster burn her mouth on the pizza?

A: Because she ate it before it was cool.




I'm here all week!
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Old 03-30-2018   #221
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A guy down on his luck is looking for odd jobs so he knocks on someones door. "Anything I can do for you for a few bucks?"
"Sure, you can paint the porch for me"
An hour later he's finished;
"All done, but just wanted to let you know your car is a BMW not a Porsche"
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Old 04-02-2018   #222
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "So...Why the long face?"
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Old 04-07-2018   #223
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Q: What does the gorilla call his girlfriend?

A: His prime mate.
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Old 07-05-2018   #224
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During his physical, a doctor asked his patient about his daily activity level.

The man said, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."

Impressed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"Outdoorsman nothing," replied the man, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
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Old 07-05-2018   #225
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Very old and very dated.


Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. Upon seeing the tracks the first blonde says look bear tracks. The second blonde says no silly those are deer tracks. The third blonde then says no you're both wrong those are rabbit tracks.... Then the train hit them.
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Old 07-19-2018   #226
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Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries.
I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the Wifi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '$8.00.'
Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the Wifi password?'
Bartender: ‘youneedtobuyadrinkfirst’...No spaces and all lowercase.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'


A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his garage. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $400,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiac surgeon paused, leant over and whispered to the mechanic.....
Try doing it with the engine running."


Explaining politics –
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill gates said, "No."
I told bill gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill gates said, "OK."
I called the president of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He said, "OK."
And that's exactly how politics works.
And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb people to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
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Old 07-19-2018   #227
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Now, that's good!. Stephen Wright would be proud of that one!
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Old 08-14-2018   #228
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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: What if one explodes before we get there?
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote, and he kept switching back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally cried, "For God's sake! Just leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
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Old 08-14-2018   #229
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A harp walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We can't serve you, you're too small."
The harp says, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
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Old 08-30-2018   #230
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Notice came to St Peter at the Pearly Gates that the Devil and his mob had challenged Heaven in a football match.

St Peter was quickly on the phone to accept. “By the way,” he told Satan, “You haven’t much of a chance, all the best footballers are up here.”

“Maybe,” said Satan, “but we’ve got all the officials down here.”
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Old 08-31-2018   #231
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What goes:

"Dark purple and black and black, black and black and black"?





A 'Goth' singing a Rainbow.
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Old 08-31-2018   #232
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A horse walks into a bar, orders a drink and the barman asks ... "Why the long face?"
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Old 08-31-2018   #233
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12 out of 13 people don't know what a baker's dozen is.
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Old 09-01-2018   #234
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There are 10 types of people in the world-those who understand Binary numbers and those who don't.
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Old 09-01-2018   #235
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What was Hitler's favourite food?


Reich pudding.


What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heilstone.


Did you know that in 1930 Hitler visited Britain. He played a round of Golf but gave up at the 5th hole.

He couldn't get out of the Bunker.
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Old 09-01-2018   #236
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A guy walks out of the shopping mall to his car parked in the lot.

He notices a huge new dent in the rear fender and a note stuck under the wiper.

He reads the note ...

"Dear Sir or Madam,
I'm sorry, but I just ran into your car causing the damage you notice.
There are people gawking at me as I akwardly write this note to you.
They think I am giving you my name and insurance information.
They are wrong, sorry.
Have a nice day!"
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Old 09-01-2018   #237
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A journalist photographer was caught out in a rain shower when he saw a dark gloomy house. While he was drying off in the house he heard scary sounds and saw a ghost coming towards him. He grabbed his camera to take pictures. The ghost asked him what he was doing, he said “I just want to take your picture for the newspaper.” The ghost was glad for the exposure and posed for the photographer. When his film was all done he thanked the ghost and rushed to his office to get the film developed. When he saw the results he was terribly disappointed that they all came out black – they were all underexposed.The moral of the story is: The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.


A photographer took a self portrait in a park.
Due to lighting conditions he used the built in flash on the camera.
He quickly got arrested for flashing and exposing himself in the park.

Photographers are weird. They spend all their life chasing light only to waste it in a darkroom.
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Old 09-06-2018   #238
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Q: What did the earthquake say to the volcano?
A: It's not my fault.

Q: How do you make a strawberry shake?
A: Put it in the freezer!

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, "Please describe your two loves."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see. So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
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Old 11-30-2018   #239
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He came home in a state of utter despair and sat with his head in his hands. “I have just been sacked,” he told his wife.
“After 40 years of doing the same job week after week I have been replaced by an electronic gadget about the size of a flashlight,” he lamented. “What’s more it can do everything I can do, and do it better and never wear out,” he moaned.
But nobody was listening. She had gone out to buy one.


Eight kids were too many and the cost of rising prices was getting Fred down. He told his wife if they had any more kids he would go out of his mind with worry.
A week later his wife announced that she was pregnant.
“That’s the end,” lamented Fred. He opened the drawer beneath his desk and pulled out a revolver and held it to his head.
“Stop,” cried his wife. “You’ll be killing an innocent man.”


A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.
It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."
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Old 12-29-2018   #240
Shac
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Shac is offline
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: White Rock, BC, Canada
Posts: 1,103
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
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