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Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!
Old 01-26-2017   #1
Bill Clark
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Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

Let's have some fun here and tickle our funny bones!

Here's one I read from a photographer friend:

My wife said that if I don't get off the computer, constantly playing with my photos, she'll slam my head on the
keyboard, but I think she's jokinfj reoiwjrtwe4to 8rkljreun8f4ny8
4c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
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Old 01-26-2017   #2
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Two photographers are walking down the street when they see a poor disheveled beggar sitting by the side of the footpath with a begging bowl in front of him. One photographer stops and approaches the beggar while the other continues on. A few minutes later the first photographer catches up with his friend who asks him. "That beggar back there....how much did you give him?" "Oh" says his friend, "1/250 at f 5.6".
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Old 01-26-2017   #3
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I like it!

Film or digital? Ha!
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Old 01-26-2017   #4
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A young woman steps on to a plane and immediately sit in a first class seat. The flight attendant approaches her and ask to see her ticket. The flight attendant informs her her ticket is for coach and the young woman replies, " I'm young, good looking, I'm going to New York and I'll sit where I choose!". The flight attendant is flabbergasted and calls the lead attendant. The lead receives the same answer. Finally they check with the pilots and the co-pilot says, "I'll take care of it." He leaves the cockpit, approaches the young woman and says something to her in a low voice, after which she picks up her belongings and moves to coach. The flight attendants are aghast and ask what he said. The co-pilot states, "I just told her First Class doesn't stop in New York."
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Old 01-26-2017   #5
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That one is in the blonde joke genre, usually.

Here's one: A new psychiatric patient enters the doctor's office. The shrink asks what malady he'd like treatment for. The patient says, "I think I'm a dog."

The psychiatrist nods and says, "Well, fine, let's get started. Make yourself comfortable on the couch."

The patient says, "Oh, I'm not allowed on the couch."
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Old 01-26-2017   #6
Richard G
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Behind every great man is a surprised woman.
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Old 01-26-2017   #7
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nerd jokes
Heisenberg goes for a drive and gets pulled over by a cop, "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop, "No, but I know where I'm at", answers Heisenberg,

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...and doesn't.

Remember, you're special, just like everyone else.
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Old 01-26-2017   #8
peterm1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoNickon View Post
That one is in the blonde joke genre, usually.

Here's one: A new psychiatric patient enters the doctor's office. The shrink asks what malady he'd like treatment for. The patient says, "I think I'm a dog."

The psychiatrist nods and says, "Well, fine, let's get started. Make yourself comfortable on the couch."

The patient says, "Oh, I'm not allowed on the couch."
Reminds me of the woman who goes to the doctor to complain "Doctor I have a problem, my husband thinks he is a chicken". The doctor says "This sounds serious, could you bring him in to see me as I may be able to treat him" The woman says "Doctor I cant, we need the eggs."

(God my joke was weak! But maybe not so weak as the one about the horse who walks into a bar. The Barkeeper says "Why such a long face?")
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Old 01-26-2017   #9
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Groucho Marx quote
'Remember, a man's only as old as the woman he feels.'
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Old 01-26-2017   #10
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If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart....
Then how much would a precipice.
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Old 01-26-2017   #11
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“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo
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Old 01-26-2017   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikos72 View Post
“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Old 01-26-2017   #13
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"Keep it clean"....



Nah, I need to pass then


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Old 01-27-2017   #14
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Q: What's the difference between a professional web developer and a panhandler?

A: The panhandler has a steady-paying full-time job!

(Yeah, I could have made it more topical, but this is the version that's going around the office.)
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Old 01-27-2017   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peterm1 View Post
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Which reminds me, where the heck is that beer?
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Old 01-27-2017   #16
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They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
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Old 01-27-2017   #17
Bill Clark
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Funny stuff here. I like it!

I may re-join Humor Mill, a Toastmasters club that works on, you guessed it, humor! Funny thing, when I stand at the lectern, people start laughing. They give me too much credit for looking stupid. It gets confirmed when I start speaking! I got invited to their comedy night program in February.

Smlies and lots of fun!
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Old 01-27-2017   #18
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Two snow men in a garden, one says to the other: 'Do you smell carrots?'
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Old 01-27-2017   #19
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Woman walks into the studio with a photo of her late husband.
"Can you copy this and make a larger print?"
"Sure can."
"And can you remove his hat in the new one?"
"You bet."

As the woman leaves the photographer says,
"Wait---on which side did he part his hair?"
"Left, but you'll see it when you remove his hat anyway."
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Old 01-27-2017   #20
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A guy steps up to the bar and orders 10 shots. The bartender then pours them into glasses in front of him.

He takes the first and the last ones and pours them on the floor and then drinks the rest of them.

Bartender asks why in the world he did that.

"Well, the first one always tastes terrible and the last one always makes me sick!"
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Old 01-27-2017   #21
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As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"'Cause before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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Old 01-27-2017   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Canyongazer View Post
Woman walks into the studio with a photo of her late husband.
"Can you copy this and make a larger print?"
"Sure can."
"And can you remove his hat in the new one?"
"You bet."

As the woman leaves the photographer says,
"Wait---on which side did he part his hair?"
"Left, but you'll see it when you remove his hat anyway."
True story. I made a b/w print from b/w film. It was much appreciated and I was then asked if I could print it in color.

Well, it got me experimenting in using oils anyway.
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Old 01-27-2017   #23
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Following a very boozy holiday party in a local watering hole, an officer in a prowl car waited silently with lights off, hoping to write an easy summons or two.

As the crowd was breaking up, sure enough, a not so sure-footed gentleman staggered out, slipped and fell in the lot, stumbled to his car, fumbled for his keys, eventually got his car unlocked, sat there for a while, and then drove out to the street.

{flash flash flash} WHOOOppp WHOOop Whoop "Ok, out of the car, Mac!"
"Uh, is there a problem, officer?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to take a big deep breath and blow into this thing."
{inhale} WHOOOOOOOooooosssssshhhhhh! {click click beep} 0.0% BAC
"Uh, something's wrong here, try that again."
{inhale} WHOOOOOOOooooosssssshhhhhh! {click click beep} 0.0% BAC
"Ummmm ... Let's try that once more."
{inhale} WHOOOOOOOooooosssssshhhhhh! {click click beep} 0.0% BAC

"Ok, Mac, what's going on? I watched you stumble out of the bar and now you're cold sober!"
"Well, you see, officer, I'm the Designated Decoy for the evening."

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Old 01-29-2017   #24
kuuan
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Old 01-29-2017   #25
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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and the Texan yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,

"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to the Beetle.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!
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Old 01-30-2017   #26
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

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Old 01-30-2017   #27
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What kind of nut is the current president of the US of A?

A wall nut!

couldn't resist
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Old 01-30-2017   #28
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Heard this one today:

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.
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Old 01-31-2017   #29
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That is dire, Bob!
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Old 01-31-2017   #30
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Whadaya get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?


A very sore chicken!
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Old 01-31-2017   #31
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A cop pulls over a guy driving down the street with a whole passel of penguins in the back of his pick-up. The cop tells the driver, "Hey, you can't be driving around town with a bunch of penguins in the back of your truck. Take them to the zoo or something."

The driver says, "Okay", and the cop lets him go with a warning.

The very next day, the cop spots the same guy driving down the street with the same penguins in the back of his truck. The cop pulls him over again and says, "I thought I told you yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo."

The driver replies, "Oh, we did that yesterday. Today, we're going to the movies."
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Old 01-31-2017   #32
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That is dire, Bob!
Indeed. But clean.
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Old 01-31-2017   #33
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Fuji's marketshare.
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Old 01-31-2017   #34
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Mint lens for sale, serious offer only.

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Old 01-31-2017   #35
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Background: in the North of the Netherlands people don’t talk too much and are not easily impressed…..

A bachelor farmer has a set routine: every Friday night he goes to the village cafe to get drunk and every Saturday he goes hunting. One day, he buys a new hunting dog and goes out into the field. He shoots a duck and calls the dog to fetch it. The dog runs over the water, fetches the bird and brings it to him. The farmer thinks...maybe I had too much to drink yesterday.... The next weekend he goes hunting again, and this time the dog runs over an entire lake, fetches the bird and brings it to him. The weekend after, he brings a friend along...shoots a bird...the dog runs over a canal fetches the bird...runs back over the canal and puts the bird at his feet. ''Did you see that''!?, the farmer asked his friend. ''Yep", his friend said...."Your dog can't swim".
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Old 01-31-2017   #36
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The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the funny ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical
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Old 01-31-2017   #37
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Old 01-31-2017   #38
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Duck waddles into a bar and says to the bartender, "You got any grapes?"

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't have grapes."

Duck waddles away.

Next day, the duck returns, hops on the bar and says, "You got any grapes?"

The bartender again responds, "Nope, no grapes here."

Duck waddles away once again.

The next day, the duck returns, hops on the bar and says, "You got any grapes?"

The bartender has become a little put out by this duck so he snarls at him, "No! No, we don't have grapes. I've told you already. Don't ask again or I'll nail your feet to the bar."

The duck waddles away once again.

The next day, duck returns, hops on the bar and says, "You got any nails?"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "No we don't have any nails!"

Duck says, "Okay then. You got any grapes?"
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Old 01-31-2017   #39
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A lady applies for the job of lion tamer, but the circus already has an experienced guy in that job.
The circus master sends his guy into the cage and he makes the lions jump and dance and play.
The lady goes in the cage next and does the same.
Then she says "But here's my special trick" and she drops the whip and chair, gets down on her knees, puckers up and the biggest badest lion goes over and starts kissing and licking her face and purring.
The circus master turns to his guy and asks "Can you do that?"
He replies, "I sure can. Just get that ##### lion out of there".
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Old 01-31-2017   #40
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I ended it with my girlfriend the other day.

I said im sick of you acting like a detective all the time i think we should split up.

She replied thats a good idea well cover more ground that way
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