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Old 01-31-2017   #41
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What are Romeo and Juliet's favorite Fruit?


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Old 01-31-2017   #42
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Knock knock.
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Old 01-31-2017   #43
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Who's there?
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Old 01-31-2017   #44
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Numbert...
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Old 01-31-2017   #45
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Numbert who?
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Old 01-31-2017   #46
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That's not clean. :-)
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Old 02-01-2017   #47
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Why do you wear an evening gown to a nightclub?

Shouldn't you be wearing a nightgown?
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Old 02-01-2017   #48
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My joke got deleted? Was it considered that unclean?

Tough crowd....
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Old 02-02-2017   #49
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Yes, well, the jokes need to be clean. How clean? There is a range of cleanliness, isn't there? I just figure "clean" is "family clean"... and funny of course!
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Old 02-07-2017   #50
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The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the funny ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Then again

There was a young man of St. Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp.
When asked "does it hurt?"
He replied, "Yes it does,
But I'm glad that it wasn't a hornet."

Cheers,

R.
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Old 02-07-2017   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roger Hicks View Post
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the funny ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Then again

There was a young man of St. Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp.
When asked "does it hurt?"
He replied, "Yes it does,
But I'm glad that it wasn't a hornet."

Cheers,

R.
A non-rhyming limerick -- a new genre! Scans nicely. (Or am I totally missing the point -- again?)
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Old 02-07-2017   #52
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Originally Posted by KoNickon View Post
A non-rhyming limerick -- a new genre! Scans nicely. (Or am I totally missing the point -- again?)
That's not the only one I know:

There was a young man of Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress party.
He decided to risk it
And went as a biscuit
But they hung up his skin in the vestibule

Or for another kind

There was an old man of Japan
Who, when asked why his rhymes wouldn't scan,
Replied, "Well, you see,
The trouble with me
Is that I always try to put as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can."

There's also one where I don't recall the third and fourth lines:

Consider the hosts without no.
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.
++++++
++++++
Results in a permanent slo.

Cheers,

R.
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Old 02-07-2017   #53
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There was a young man from Batavia,
Who did not believe in Our Savior.
He founded instead,
With himself as its head,
A cult of decorous behavior.

Note that this limerick works best when recited with a Boston accent, so that the second and last lines rhyme with the first.
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Old 02-07-2017   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoNickon View Post
. . . Note that this limerick works best when recited with a Boston accent, so that the second and last lines rhyme with the first.
Or indeed most English accents.

For pronunciations,

There once was a don of divinity
Who made boast of his daughter's virginity
The must have be dawdlin'
Those students at Magdalene
It would never have happened at Trinity

Magdalene, the Cambridge college, being pronounced "maudlin" and Trinity of course being another Cambridge college.

Cheers,

R.
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Old 02-07-2017   #55
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Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na.

How about a joke about sodium hypobromide?

NaBro.
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Old 02-07-2017   #56
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There was a young man, name of Peter:
Tried to fix a faulty gas meter:
He first struck a light,
Blew him clear out of site,
And, as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you,
Completely ruined the meter
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Old 02-07-2017   #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by someonenameddavid View Post
There was a young man, name of Peter:
Tried to fix a faulty gas meter:
He first struck a light,
Blew him clear out of site,
And, as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you,
Completely ruined the meter
Wonderful!
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Old 02-07-2017   #58
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Man sitting at a bar turns to the stranger next to him and says, "I'll bet you $100 that I can drink 5 glasses of beer before you can drink 5 shots of whiskey. Only rule is we can't touch each other's glasses."
The other guy says, "I'll take that bet!"
Bartender pours the drinks and says "Go!"
The man with the beers starts drinking. He's going pretty quickly, but of course he's no match in speed for the man with the shots. He's halfway through his first beer when the whiskey drinker drains his second shot. He finished the first beer when the whiskey drinker polishes off his fourth shot.
He then inverts his empty beer glass over the last remaining shot of whiskey, and spends the next hour drinking his 4 beers, while his opponent watches helplessly.
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Old 02-07-2017   #59
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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Old 02-07-2017   #60
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there are two types of people in this world:

those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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Old 02-07-2017   #61
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At the Mexican-American border, a guy drives up on a motorcycle with two huge saddlebags filled with sand.

The officer thought it looked suspicious so he sent him for screening. They dumped out all of the sand, sifted through it, found nothing, and sent him on his way.

A few days later the same guy drives up, again with two huge saddlebags filled with sand. This time they dump it all out, run drug and explosives tests on the sand, find nothing, and eventually send him on his way.

Rinse-repeat a few times.

They finally get very suspicious and call in the FBI for more of an in-depth investigation.

Next time (yeah, saddlebags, sand) the FBI goon takes the guy into the back room with the bright lights and all of that.

"Okay, Mac. We know you're smuggling something! Make things easy on yourself. Tell us what you're smuggling!"

"Uh, nothing, officer, really ..."

This goes on for a few hours ... Eventually ...

"Fess up, Mac., we can be here all night! What are you smuggling?"

"Ok, officer, you got me ..."

"Yeah, what is it you're smuggling?'

"Leather saddlebags!"

{rimshot!}
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Old 02-07-2017   #62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sepiareverb View Post
Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na.

How about a joke about sodium hypobromide?

NaBro.
Now, this needs a bit of love. I like it.
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Old 02-07-2017   #63
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A career waiter dies: he headstone reads, 'God finally caught my eye.'
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Old 02-07-2017   #64
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Two software engineers are driving to a conference when the car suddenly stops running. As they sit by the side of the road one says to the other, "Maybe if we get out then get back in, it'll start!"
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Old 02-07-2017   #65
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Now, this needs a bit of love. I like it.
Aw, thanks. I actually laughed when I heard it.
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Old 02-07-2017   #66
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I read the other day that 97.63% of people do not like being thought of as just a statistic.
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Old 02-07-2017   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roger Hicks View Post
That's not the only one I know:

There was a young man of Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress party.
He decided to risk it
And went as a biscuit
But they hung up his skin in the vestibule

Or for another kind

There was an old man of Japan
Who, when asked why his rhymes wouldn't scan,
Replied, "Well, you see,
The trouble with me
Is that I always try to put as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can."

There's also one where I don't recall the third and fourth lines:

Consider the hosts without no.
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.
++++++
++++++
Results in a permanent slo.

Cheers,

R.
I recall hearing this non rhyming limerick years ago and it has always stuck in my mind - whimsical I guess.

There was a young man from Melbourne
Who got hit on his head by a wombat
When asked if it hurt
He replied "Not at all"
"He can do it again if he likes".
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Old 02-07-2017   #68
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A young man went to sea, as some young men do, and found that the life of a seafaring man suited him. He applied himself and rose through the ranks to become a ship's captain, highly respected by all who knew him for his knowledge and skill. He had one oddity: every morning, he would open a safe in his cabin, get out a small book, read an entry, put the book back and go about the day's work. He never showed the book to anyone. He unhappily passed away while sailing and was buried at sea, as per his wish. The first thing after the funeral, the ship's officers forced the safe and got out the little book and opened it for all to read. There was a single entry:

"Port is left, starboard is right."

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)
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Old 02-07-2017   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pfreddee View Post
A young man went to sea, as some young men do, and found that the life of a seafaring man suited him. He applied himself and rose through the ranks to become a ship's captain, highly respected by all who knew him for his knowledge and skill. He had one oddity: every morning, he would open a safe in his cabin, get out a small book, read an entry, put the book back and go about the day's work. He never showed the book to anyone. He unhappily passed away while sailing and was buried at sea, as per his wish. The first thing after the funeral, the ship's officers forced the safe and got out the little book and opened it for all to read. There was a single entry:

"Port is left, starboard is right."

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)
Depends whether the Captain is facing forwards or towards the stern of the ship. I for one would have gotten confused.
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Old 02-07-2017   #70
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Things that go bump in the night
Shouldn't really give one a fright.
It's the holes in each ear that let in the fear.
That and the absence of light.
(Spike Milligan)
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Old 02-07-2017   #71
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There was a young woman from Wight,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She departed one day
In the usual way
And arrived on the previous night.

The limerick's furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Or she's off to the slums,
Where she promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)
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Old 02-07-2017   #72
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What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
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Old 02-07-2017   #73
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"I tried on a blonde wig once. ...

I couldn't do math for a month!"

-- attributed to Rita Rudner
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Old 02-07-2017   #74
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The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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Old 02-07-2017   #75
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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Old 02-07-2017   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roger Hicks View Post
Is that the one that begins, "What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup," and goes on, "Any fool can mash potatoes"?

Cheers,

R.
Yes, basically the same joke.





I think my pet crocodile is an amateur photographer. He’s a bit of a snapper.
*rimshot*
*tumbleweeds*
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Old 02-07-2017   #77
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Quote:
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Two software engineers are driving to a conference when the car suddenly stops running. As they sit by the side of the road one says to the other, "Maybe if we get out then get back in, it'll start!"
"Have you tried closing all the windows and starting again?"
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Old 02-08-2017   #78
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Here is an attempt at "keepin it clean"...

Then there's the time a bear and a rabbit were discussing the problem of fecal matter sticking to their fur, the rabbit proudly stated that he had never had that issue, at which point the bear promptly picked up the rabbit and wiped his offending end of the matter.

Of course we're speaking of the non-political version of this joke.
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Old 02-15-2017   #79
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Funny!

I was thinking this thread got lost in the digital fog!
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Old 02-15-2017   #80
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A guy was arrested for disorderly conduct and malicious destruction of property.

He had allegedly ripped from the wall and destroyed a towel dispenser in a casino restroom.

The prosecutor showed the court several photos (8x10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence ...) of the towel dispenser in pieces, along with countless paper scraps, on the floor of the restroom.

"What do you have to say for yourself?", asked the judge.

"Well, your honor, I was only following instructions."

"What exactly do you mean?"

The accused grabbed one of the photos and showed the judge the image of the piece of the dispenser which had the placard:

"Directions: Pull down, tear up."
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