Trauma and photography as a dealing mechanism

Sorry for the loss... Big loss.... Every family member is the big loss.

I'm not sure if it is good time to take pictures. I might be too quick to call at as voyeurism.
But maybe it helps to some who is willing to watch to be prepared. I can't. Sorry.
 
My mother-in-law passed away suddenly last week and my wife, kids and I had to fly immediately from Vancouver to Malaysia. The funeral practises follow Chinese Buddhist practises with a hierarchy of ritual responsibilities. As a non-bloodline member of the family and husband to a "lower-ranking" child, I don't have to participate in the rites however my wife and our kids did have to participate.
I felt a little left out but it is what it is. Turns out that the funeral is also a big family gathering with some very strict rules about behaviour, clothing, meals and food preparation, and making donations for funeral costs. However, this doesn't stop people from dropping by at all hours, laughing, gossiping, and catching up with persons not seen in years.
I used the opportunity to take photos of nearly all the rituals and the downtime in-between. The only photos I didn't take were of rites with the deceased's body and when the coffin was moved (we had to turn our backs).
Nearly all of the rituals take place inside the family home and under canopies setup on the lane in front of the home. The rites ended with cremation and dispersal at sea.
I has permission from family and the monks to take photos and visiting family and friends were happy to pose for group photos. While the events of the past days are generally sombre there are happy moments when family comes together for meals, friends drop by to pay respects and the youngest generation plays board games to break their boredom.
All of this, I did my best to capture for sharing.
Typically, I shoot on film or digital with manual focus lenses and ambient light but this time I used the Nikon Df with the 35mm f2 AF-D lens and SB-600 flash. I also used the Voigtlander 58mm f1.4 for BW digital photos.
Now that it's all over we still have a week here before the return home and I'm using the downtime to edit and upload for sharing.

My condolences for your step-son's passing.
I find that keeping busy and productive helps to distract and find purpose in loss.
 
Dogman, I am so sorry for your loss. This must have been such a difficult experience. Take all the time you need to sort through your memories and feelings as you settle into a time of mourning. We're all here if you find RFF helps you process and move through.

The photos themselves are superb. Is that an original Fuji X100?

When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, I took many photos to document her last days at the respite centre and the hospital, as well as the funeral. It felt fitting because no one else was going to document it, and these things need to be recorded. I also documented my grandfather's funeral, again, no one else was going to do it, but someone has to.
 
To me, this is what photography is all about, capturing meaningful moments. The photographs allow you not only to revisit the moment, but to think about it in a different way, from a different perspective, thereby deriving more meaning.
 
A sad story indeed. Made all the more so by the relatively young age of your stepson.

As someone has commented, the notion seems widespread that strokes are an old folks' thing. From personal (family) experience, I also am aware that they most definitely are not, and they can strike anyone at any age.

There may be some in your family who regard your photographing in a hospital setting as intrusive. I've had that response from my own family in the past. This said, I firmly believe that in time your family will cherish those images, and value them as memories of a significant episode in its history.

Of course there will be others in the 'clan' who will refuse to look at them. As I'm sure you are well aware, this has to be respected out of sensibility for their feelings. Trauma can be long-lasting.

I can also understand your need to have made the photos. In such stressful times my photography has helped me to keep my emotions under control, altho' I've done it without interfering with or obstructing what was going on around me.

My photos serve many important functions in my life, Most importantly, they keep the past alive for me, and as such they give meaning and significance to my past life. My parents, one brother, a sister, a stepsister, and all my aunts and uncles are now gone. Also several nieces and nephews.

(Both families had nine siblings and all four of my grandparents also came from families of nine, so the number '9' is somewhat of a family symbol for us.)

I too photographed many family functions and also funerals and hospitalisations. My mother's people were close but combative and highly competitive, so there were many clashes of personalities and even fights at Christmas and birthday celebrations. Due to all these disagreements and what I then saw as 'interfering' in my life by relatives, I held on to several hundred photos which I have never shown to anyone in the family. With the passing of time I realize I now have a sort of duty' to make those images available to other family, and I've been sorting and scanning negatives and slides with the ultimate goal of producing self-published booklets to be given as gifts to nieces and nephews - the original subjects of my photographs are almost all long deceased.

I cherish those images as the only surviving mementoes of my interesting but definitely unusual 'off the grid' childhood in rural eastern Canada, a time that seems to me as remote as some of the 'period' television series I sometimes watch.

Age and the passing of the decades have wearied me. I was born in Canada and I had family all over North America. I now live in Australia and other than my partner, I'm the only one of our 'clan' to have left our home continent to live overseas. At my age, flying across the Pacific to see cousins, nieces and nephews now is too physically draining for me, so I no longer do it. Flights of four to five hours to Southeast Asia leave me so tired that I find I have to lie low and stay in for at least a day after the trip, to regain my physical and mental equilibrium. In the next few years I will probably be too old for even these very brief flights, so my traveling days will be largely over. Such is life.

At my age I sometimes find myself wondering what will claim me in the end. Also hoping my last days and final passing will not be too overly long or painful for me. So far so good. I've been free from almost all major afflictions, although I've had heart problems (now under control) and a few other minor ailments (also being monitored by an excellent family doctor). I now feel I'm slowing down, and while my 'countdown time' has not yet arrived, I'm conscious that my days are now more limited than they were. Which means the photographs I take of the people around me, of our home, even of our cats (we have no children), are now more meaningful to me than ever before.

In time all your people will value those photos. Some may hesitate longer than others to look at them due to the distress it causes them, but most will come to appreciate them - and you - for having made the effort to take them.
 
I am so sorry for your loss, parents should not have to outlive their kids.

I understand about photography being a way to deal with this- 20 years ago Nicole was hospitalized for months, ulcerative colitis, severe, 4 transfusions a week. Finally went to surgery. We are lucky she is alive. I kept a Polaroid with me, we basically lived at the hospital. Made sure to get the happier moments of her, and a number of the children at Children's hospital. The kids loved it, their parents appreciated it. The kids could smile, even with what they were going through- all severe cases.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top