New York NYC Journal

Devil Dan,

Of course I love Avedon’s work. The portrait show at MOMA effected me deeply. Life sized prints. Pretty much real high IQ.

I was unaware that he used an 8x10 Sinar Norma.

I kinda know I have the discipline to do great things, but I don’t know if I have the talent. The thing with shooting photography is being in the moment to capture The moment.

In music it is staying in the moment. Similar, but different.

Devil Christian identified that the way I shoot is performative. I interact with my subject and it is a bit like dancing, even though I suck at dancing.

Cal
 
Pretty soon I hope to be “all-in” with the guitar.

I have waited my whole life to be able to do this, and just being at this point is a dream come true.

Cal
 
I was awake in bed at 5:00 AM this morning and I felt my bed vibrate and shake. I heard a high frequency pitch also at that time.

I did not feel the earthquake that happened later in the morning.

Cal
 
Looks like I can distribute my 24x24 garden squares at Fred’s Pantry.

Westchester is one of the highest cost of living counties in the U.S., and Fred’s Pantry serves the north eastern area. They work out of a Church in Peekskill.

The “Three Sisters” are corn, a legume, and squash. Pretty much this fed civilizations like the Aztecs and the Mayans. They are planted together. The corn is a trellis for the legume which is a climber. The squash is a ground cover. Pretty much efficient and can make a complete protein.

What I’m saying is the technology is ancient that can fight hunger.

The plant base diet also supports part of what makes a “Blue-Zone.” The environmental impact is less than animal protein sources.

Anyways a simple idea that could yield really positive results already exists.

Of course a healthy diet has very positive health consequences. Conversely bad diet has serious health consequences.

At CCHOP, our local homeless shelter, they say “Food is medicine.” How true.

I want to be caring, but I also have to take care of myself. I have to put on my own oxygen mask before helping others. Sadly I realize that there is only so much I can do. It is a dilemma for me, but the fact is that I have to be selfish to ensure my survival.

This is the world we live in.

Not so sure how much of these beds I can afford to donate… I want to help, but I also have to take care of me and “Maggie.”

I’m not a Social Worker, I’m an artist who lives in the realm of ideas. My ideas are good, I can’t save the world, but why do I feel so guilty?

Cal
 
No red screen today on the major indexes.

Oil and Gold are also up.

Gold: $2344.90.

Oil: $87.43.

A trend is starting to get strongly established that suggests inflation is persistent.

If the FED does not lower rates as predicted to combat inflation, then the markets will correct. The FED does not want to kill the economy, but high interest rates might have to linger. Eventually something has to give.

Cal
 
Oil formed a “Golden Cross.” Basically this is when the 50 day moving average crosses the longer term 200 day moving average.

Gold formed a Golden Cross back in December 2023.

Oil has a base that went sideways for about 2 years.

Gold meanwhile has gone sideways for over 3 years.

Pretty much the charts indicate a “breakout” is underway.

With Gold pretty much the Chinese are buying gold as a store of wealth, but so are many Central Banks.

Oil is now in the $87.00 range, and if it gets to $100.00 a recession is kinda assured. IMHO $87.00 oil is not so far from $100.00 oil. It seems early still, but I think that is where we are heading.

An economic slowdown with persistent high inflation is by definition Stagflation. Pretty much monetary policy under Stagflation conditions can only combat either inflation or a slow down, but never both. Pick your posion.

The concept of a Golden Cross supports further gains, pretty much the beginning of a “breakout” where gains can ramp up and go “vertical.”

Now will oil go to $100.00?

Will Gold breach $3K?

The Golden Crosses point in that direction. Also mentioned is that Central Banks are buying Gold on pullbacks. This also suggests support for high prices. Basically Central Banks are buying the dips and are supporting continued high prices in gold.

Brace yourself… Evil lurks…

The three major indexes could suffer a big correction.

Cal
 
Gold closed at $2349.10. Hit a new Intra-Day high of $2350.00.

Meanwhile oil closed at $86.73.

I feel a sense of peace knowing that my pursuit in music is right. I can see the stepping stones that got me here. I also see how my friends on this forum helped me understand myself, my journey, and allowed me to discover who I really am.

I kinda feel like a teenager rather than a 66 year old man at this point. That’s how profound is my discovery.

I have a technical background, and pretty much I can see my understanding of physics can be applied to the guitar. I scored well in the math aptitude tests, and also in abstract reasoning.

Like I wrote before: lost and found.

“Maggie” persists in her thinking that I’m confused. Her spin is that I have changed my interests so many times, and she does not see the progression that got me here.

I find this fatiguing because I don’t think she will ever really understand on so many levels. I understand that her world is kinda narrowly focused, meanwhile I really have not only a very broad education in the arts, but also over 40 years of science and technology work experience.

My background goes well beyond liberal arts. I walk in many worlds and my universe is very big. Certainly it is a talent to have all this adaptability and this aptitude is a gift.

Now I can finally focus. I did the tech job just for the money, my identity was not embedded in my career, and I did many different things in the arts. I started as a painter/visual artist, was a performance artist and creature of the theater, was a writer, then a maniac photographer. Now a jump into music.

Along the way I had an interesting life. No doubt that with focus and concentration now I will advance. Don’t know really if I have any talent, but I have a history.

A RSO (Radiation Safety Officer) compared me to a Cyclotron Engineer who worked at Columbia Presbyterian who was a rather renowned Recording Engineer. His name was Tom Dowd.

I think over the decades I kinda disappointed many of my mentors. They saw talent in me, but I had issues, anger, and anxiety to work on and work out.

Perhaps I’m grounded in my thinking of music being for only my head. Maggie is not really a Jazz-head. Expecting appreciation of what I do or did never was really understood by many. In the end I kinda stood out, and also stood alone. Not much appreciation or understanding, but its all cool because I don’t need approvals.

I also don’t need to pump my ego.

Cal
 
Phil,

Thanks for posting that shot of a Fat Chance Yo Eddy.

I looked at mine and they look to be the same frame size by the size of the head tube. Your shot makes the frame seem smaller because of the tires.

That Rock Shox Judy has pinch bolts on the crown suggesting an early version. My Yo Eddy is a Blue with a nice looking purple fade with a Rock Shox SID, and it dates to 1997. The bike in your picture I would guess is earlier by the vintage of the fork.

The Fat Chances are a very smooth ride. Now I find the IBIS’s I own as much stiffer and less compliant. I figure the IBIS’s are a bit porky and overbuilt in comparison.

Cal
 
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I bonded further with my Santa Cruz Model F’s last night. They play like magic, and the tone and volume I find more balanced than my Santa Cruz OM that features old growth Brazilian Rosewood.

The OM has scalloped bracing which amps up the bass response by allowing the top to flex more easily. It has a bit of a scooped sound when compared to the Model F’s. Very rich in overtones though because of the rosewood.

The Model F’s have straight bracing and a more flat response that not only is more balanced and richer in the mids for warmth, but the nice bass response comes from having a bigger body without being boomy like a dreadnaught.

The mahogany body on my “F’s” also has a focus on the fundamental which I think adds clarity and articulation to my heavy attack. I play with heavy picks for enhanced volume and projection.

Understand that the Model F’s are still opening up and are getting broken in. The OM is played in already and now is about a 35 year old guitar. Compared with a Model F it now feels like a small guitar.

In this arena I am in heaven as far as acoustic flat tops go. The 18 inch Mirabella should be brutal. Can’t wait.

My friend Dave mentioned that the longer I wait the better the guitar will be made. Things of course have evolved over a twenty year wait. Cris made many-many 17 inch versions which became his signature model. He made just recently the first 18 inches for some wealthy Chinese guy. Pretty much mine was suppose to be the prototype and the first, but it did not happen that way.

The two 18 inches were parallel built side buy side. Now only final assembly has to happen. Mine at this point was the concept guitar. Because it will be a blonde (natural finish) the woods are UBER premium. Understand that this is a carved top acoustic guitar.

Kinda appropriate to have “Jane” the big blonde being made and delivered at this time in my life. Really insane.

Cal
 
The past week was a full time job of daycare. Kinda killed the week.

I think today I’ll build out some garden squares and make up some more kits.

Later today is some opening reception in Salem, a town by Katona, that we will attend.

The though comes to mind that “Maggie” does not really understand my values. Does not understand why I have so much stuff. All my guitars, amps, bikes, the C-10, and cameras. I kinda take insult because these items are an extension of my personality and define who I am.

She sees no value, and it would be happy for her if I severely downsized.

Anyways these things I worked hard for and sacrificed a lot to attain. I have to take in this lack of understanding, but I also understand that I too have been confused and unfocused about my own identity and who I want to be.

I don’t really have to make a singular choice, I am multi-talented, and live without limitations others have. I feel I am more free and open. I am also less competitive.

Anyways this imbalance is not a problem for me. I kinda accept it, and it is what it is. A bit one sided I realize, but that is how many things in life are. I can feel great about being authentic and living my life for me.

I’m cool with all that, even if it is all one sided. Been in this place before and it is a waste of time to fight it. I want to be happy and I’m happier just being me, even if it makes me feel a bit alone.

I remember what my friend Dan taught me about Bob Fosey: “Make your weakness your strength.”

This loneliness I know now I experienced as a child. It never really went away. Pretty much I understand and know the experience of being a solo performer. I guess that is what is drawing me into the guitar as my primary voice to focus my creativity.

At this point I may never have any understanding. If that’s the case, the only logic is to be by myself and do art only for myself.

Understand this thinking is of a loner who lives in his own universe.

Cal
 
Cal, that's a Mag-21 SL, which is probably the original fork but the stem had been changed to a riser. Front brakes are also LX. The crankset is also STX-RC but the rest of the core grouppo is XT, so that was changed at some point. Front wheel was changed to a later LX parallax at some time in the bike's 30+ years. It's a mish mash of components at this point but still a cool bike.
EDIT: Come to think of it, that fork may be an early "upgrade" since it looks like the crown would impact the down tube if the handlebars were turned ~85 degrees, just as the Judy did on my Breezer from the same era.
Phil
 
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With all the overdubbing might not be her playing.

A nice prop though. I like how the horn of the guitar falls into cleavage.

I’m a dirty old man.

Cal
 
“Maggie” reveals a post book release depression. The idea of her daughter, the Creature, moving to North Carolina also is creating a sense of loss.

I try to frame things differently. The Creatures job is as an Assistant Principle in a school in Yonkers. This job carries a lot of responsibility, and is stressful. The Creature has some health issues that need to be addressed by diet, exercise, and lowering the stress level.

That is not going to happen In Yonkers.

Then in Cortlandt, the suburbs surrounding Peekskill the City, it is socially isolating. Down in North Carolina the grandson would have cousins his age, and there is also family down there like cousins of the Creature and their wives. Also three uncles.

I see the softer life a big benefit with good outcomes for health. New York is a hard place.

While Maggie and I will suffer the consequences I see the benefit for this still young family.

Anyways, the depression of writers and writer’s life seems to be bad and not for me. I want to be happy.

Went to the Hammond Museum in North Salem, which is very close to the Connecticut border. This is still part of Westchester County, and it is pretty easy to see why Westchester is one of the richest counties in the U.S.

We got approached by the curator of the exhibit there, an old art historian who also does performance art. She lives in Croton, but has her studio in Peekskill. She is also a member of the Peekskill Arts Alliance.

I told her how I will have my Open-Open Studio at Ester Place when Peekskill has their Open Studio Weekend.

Pretty much she said that I will be going “rouge” and from a performance perspective it is a great idea.

Cal
 
This morning I was able to cut all the planks down to length. Now I can count them out in groups of 16 to assemble them into kits.

The 5 pound box of screws is greatly diminished. I also have to buy more 2x2 lumber to join the corners.

I assembled two more squares. Was a bit cold and my nose Smurfed up and was blue. Not good.

Cal
 
To do the concentration required I have to either play guitar in the morning, or have a full rest meaning extra sleep.

Playing accelerates my bedtime in a sense also by making my bedtime earlier, especially if I play at night.

Working surely would inhibit my progress.

Anyways, “Maggie” once said, “What are we going to do once all the work on the house is done?” That time should be approaching.

Understand the “we” is “me” meaning Calvin. It is actually better if I do the work: better quality; less of a mess and cleanup; and pretty much Maggie is not so much help. Pretty much not relaxing either.

Also know that Maggie’s being occupied and chronically busy makes it easy for me to work alone. She is not a physical person. She would rather talk about work rather than actually do it. I’m just the opposite.

I would not mind all the talk, but most times it is all it is, just talk, meaning a waste of time. Less talk-more work I say. On top of all this chatter or noise comes all the procrastination that often leads to anxiety or frenzies.

Two outcomes are plausible: one is that a man, meaning me, has a shorter lifespan, and the reason is a woman; the other is Maggie kinda kills herself because of her own lifestyle of neglecting her health, not eating properly, not exercising regularly, and not maintaining a positive mental attitude.

I am concerned and worried. Retirement is fraught. Maggie’s identity as a writer is not so secure despite her accomplishments and achievements. Even on SubStack she is dealing with having a mass audience. Even though it is a mostly writing platform, it is still social media and is public.

I still see the ego come out when she is recognized by a follower. She still thrives on that. A need has developed for that kind of attention and recognition. Yesterday the curator of the show at the Hammond Museum approached her, and this kinda made her day. She could then talk about herself…

All I can do is stand back and let the fan fare happen. Oh-well.

All these podcasts and interviews are the same and repeat. At this point they are a rut and like a skipping record.

I am an old Jazz head from about 9th grade onwards. I discovered WBGO in Newark and listened to Portraits In Blue, Salsa Sundays, and of course a lot of old school Jazz.

Of course I liked rock back then also, but I loved Jazz.

Back then I was kinda alone in with my taste and appreciation. I had a sophisticated ear and I understood the complexity. By I was also an anxious kid and so out of control with impulsiveness. Many people thought I was a drummer because of the way I acted and moved.

Again it was biking and my friend Iron Mike who saved my life. I had to learn how to relax, something I had never learned to do, or I would die. I was 32 years old and my body could not take the maniac like energy I emitted. I would cycle, experience euphoria, and then depression. I was mistakenly diagnosed as Manic Depressive, but in fact it was just mucho anxiety.

Prozac and Lithium only made me more ill. I also had to deal with my past and understand what had happened to me.

Anyways, I think Maggie is at a point where she has to get in control of her anxiety or suffer the consequences. Not easy to manage. Also so many loses that leave voids behind that are making her hyper emotional in a sad way. The death of a friend takes her into a lonely alley.

The possibility or eventuality that her daughter and grand children will move a 10 hour drive away. I frame it as a good thing for them and kinda necessary. They deserve a better life. For me less personal, and I want them to be happy despite my own needs, wishes and wants.

It seems the face value of having a great home, a community, and to be able to be a creative in the wonderful Hudson Valley is easily dismissed or is being dismissed. We are in a great paradise of sorts. We enjoy comfort and financial security.

I’m happy and where I want to be, but Maggie who thinks she is so together is really and continues to be a hot mess.

Let’s see how she is today…

Cal
 
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